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Jul. 5th, 2017 04:45 amShe's distracted. Sloppy. A dozen other things that she can hear in Saw's admonishing voice in her head, and the frustration Jyn feels at the fact of that only seems to make them all even more the case. Grantaire isn't at all like her erstwhile father figure — he's a friend, really, inasmuch as she considers herself having any of those at all — but she still doesn't like being off her game. It happens so rarely, it takes so much to get her so unfocused, that when it does, she knows there's really a problem.
And there is, of course, albeit one of her own making. It's been weeks now since she's seen Cassian, her self-imposed absence continuing to stretch on. Rather than getting used to it, as was the point, not wanting to rely on him, or on Bodhi, needing to be ready in the likelihood that she'll be left again one day, just as she always is, she's mostly found it increasingly difficult. She gets even less sleep than usual when she's alone in her own bed rather than in his, and the more time passes, the more convinced she is that it wouldn't do any good to go back anyway, that he probably wouldn't even want her to. She never intended to stay gone forever, and she still doesn't, but it weighs on her more than it should. Anyway, the sleeplessness itself accounts for her not being in the best state to be sparring right now.
Saw would say that isn't an excuse, but Saw isn't here, and Saw has plenty to do with the fact that she expects abandonment now at every turn, feels like she has to brace herself for it. The surge of spite she feels at the memory of that is at least a welcome change of pace from being so annoyed with herself.
"I think I might need to call it a day," she admits, pushing her damp bangs away from her sweaty forehead. She hasn't gotten anything wrong, at least; if her form or her movements were incorrect, she would push through the fog in her head until she managed to get them right. Instead, she shoots Grantaire a small, self-deprecating smile. "Clearly I'm not exactly at my best right now."
And there is, of course, albeit one of her own making. It's been weeks now since she's seen Cassian, her self-imposed absence continuing to stretch on. Rather than getting used to it, as was the point, not wanting to rely on him, or on Bodhi, needing to be ready in the likelihood that she'll be left again one day, just as she always is, she's mostly found it increasingly difficult. She gets even less sleep than usual when she's alone in her own bed rather than in his, and the more time passes, the more convinced she is that it wouldn't do any good to go back anyway, that he probably wouldn't even want her to. She never intended to stay gone forever, and she still doesn't, but it weighs on her more than it should. Anyway, the sleeplessness itself accounts for her not being in the best state to be sparring right now.
Saw would say that isn't an excuse, but Saw isn't here, and Saw has plenty to do with the fact that she expects abandonment now at every turn, feels like she has to brace herself for it. The surge of spite she feels at the memory of that is at least a welcome change of pace from being so annoyed with herself.
"I think I might need to call it a day," she admits, pushing her damp bangs away from her sweaty forehead. She hasn't gotten anything wrong, at least; if her form or her movements were incorrect, she would push through the fog in her head until she managed to get them right. Instead, she shoots Grantaire a small, self-deprecating smile. "Clearly I'm not exactly at my best right now."
