like the holding of hands, like the breaking of glass, like the bonfire that burns

[nextchance]

She'd promised Lari to bring the car back with a full tank of gas and not a scratch on it. Really, Jyn thought it was the least she could do for a favor like this anyway. Had she not been able to borrow a car from the track, she was sure she would've come up with some other solution (or, more likely, considered what other friends she might be able to borrow a car from). To her, though, this just made the most sense. No one would be without their own vehicle while she and Cassian went picking up supplies for their ship renovations, but they also wouldn't have to call for a car, the idea of which she knew still understandably made him uncomfortable, and they didn't need to waste money renting a car, either. She could have afforded it, but it just seemed pointless, not least because they'd given themselves a lot to do.

Even if he had been more at ease with the thought of getting a car, Jyn had already decided that driving would be more worthwhile than being a stranger's passengers. After all, she was pretty sure she was the only one of them who knew how to drive, a very different beast than piloting a ship or a speeder. She could tease him about that, or try to teach him, or both. Either way, it was bound to be fun.

And she wanted this to be fun. They both hadn't had enough room for that in their former lives, and something they were doing in service of their own living space (she couldn't call it her home, almost as if superstitiously not wanting to jinx anything, but it made her feel warm all over every time he did) should be enjoyable, not a chore or a slog. There would, of course, ultimately be plenty of hard work in it too, but she was hardly averse to that, and by doing it themselves, it would be that much more rewarding.

She was mentally going over where to start and what purchases they could make now as she drove the dirt road up to the Falcon, the open windows tousling her hair. When she parked and climbed out, it was with a lopsided smile, one hand holding up the car keys to show Cassian like they were a trophy of some kind, as if her driving didn't clearly convey that she had, in fact, been able to borrow a car. "Mission accomplished," she declared. "Just have to refuel before I bring it back."

Comments

[fulcrum3]

Cassian had leapt stepped outside the moment he heard the unfamiliar-sounding approach. Now he stepped up to the Jyn: he wouldn't be able to focus on anything else until he'd run his hand through her wind-tossed hair. At last, hand still resting softly on her shoulder, he looked over the vehicle. Mr-I-can-fly-anything's brow creased. This thing didn't fly.

"So it's limited to their roads?"

[nextchance]

"Yep," Jyn confirmed with a nod. "Fully grounded." She'd gotten used to that, at least, but she could still remember how jarring it was in her first months here. Even the empty sky, the lack of sound of air traffic, was strange. Without any other options, though, this would have to do, and it wasn't going to stop her from making the most of it. Driving fast was still driving fast, whether on roads or in the air. More than anything, she was just glad to have been able to come up with a vehicle for them at all.

Her smile widened the slightest bit when he ran his hand through her hair. That sort of easy affection was always more charming than she felt it had any right to be.

"It's pretty easy once you know what you're doing. Which, fortunately, I do."

[fulcrum3]

He realized his reaction might seem like unappreciation for her efforts, and refocused. Genuinely, he kissed her. "Maybe you can teach me?"

[nextchance]

"I can do that," Jyn replied, smiling against his mouth when she drew back from the kiss. She wasn't overly fazed by his reaction. After all, she'd had much, much longer here to become accustomed to the myriad of differences. Any skepticism or lack of enthusiasm on his part was understandable. Maybe she'd be able to put an end to it upon actually driving them somewhere, too. She'd promised to be careful with Lari's car, but she could drive fast and still be careful.

"I can make it more fun than it looks, too."

[fulcrum3]

It wasn't whether it looked fun… It seemed all wrong for a planet with weather and topography. Its wheels, so narrow, doubtless made it more maneuverable than the treaded vehicles of sand planets, sandcrawlers or DN-25s, but seemed too susceptible to conditions of the roads. Well, if Jyn vouched for it, he'd trust her. "I have more questions, but they'd be answered by trying it."

[nextchance]

"Watch and learn," Jyn said, more fond than teasing, as she leaned in to kiss him again, this time on the cheek. She couldn't entirely help it. While it was with good reason, he looked tense, so serious, and she wanted to try to ease that a little. Maybe it would be better once they'd actually gotten started. She had every intention of teaching him if he wanted to try it, but that was all the more reason it would probably be better for him to see her drive the car first. It really was nothing like piloting a speeder or any kind of aircraft. She had just, as was the case with so much else, had far more of a chance to get used to it.

"Come on. I'll get us out there, we can take a break for a lesson or two, and then maybe you can drive us back."

[fulcrum3]

He smiled at her with complete trust.

Even if levering himself into the passenger's seat brought back a bit of concern. It wasn't intellectual, it was a physical reaction: They were just too close to the surface. But he revved up his brain over his body and let himself be carried by Jyn's confidence.

[nextchance]

Once she'd settled into the driver's seat, seatbelt on, Jyn looked over at Cassian. A part of her was tempted to ask if he was still all right with this, reading some of the discomfort in his body language, but she bit it back. For one, she trusted him to tell her if there was a problem, knowing that she wasn't the reason for any unease.

Less important but still noteworthy, this was still their best option for transporting supplies. Not ideal, perhaps, but it would do, and she owed Larita a massive favor in return. (Lari would probably insist otherwise, but Jyn was raised with the strict belief that nothing ever came for free, and that one should never let themselves become indebted to anyone else if they could help it. She would repay any kindnesses done to her one way or another.)

"All right, then," she said, flashing him another quick smile before she put the keys in the ignition and turned them, the engine rumbling to life. "Let's do this."

[fulcrum3]

He gave one of his small (real) smiles, back. "With you all the way."

Jyn was clearly a good driver, but the experience of the car itself was nerve-wracking. Cassian could feel every imperfection in the road, that rose up through the car's structure, because they were touching; and there was such frequent acceleration/deceleration… it was like going through a storming atmosphere, only this was the normal—no, optimal state. He wondered if it would be any easier for him to reconcile if he was in the pilot's driver's seat.

As it was, he hid his tension mostly well, but his body pressed just a little too hard back into his seat.

[nextchance]

While someone else might well have been convinced by his demeanor, Jyn knew better. She knew him better than that, and at least in a general sense, what his points of reference were. It only made sense that it would be an unnerving adjustment. For her part, she'd had more than long enough to adjust, and to enjoy the sort of thrill in it. Driving was an entirely different beast than flying, but if it was all there was here, she would make the most of it.

That she didn't speed too fast or swerve around other cars was a testament to her feelings for him. Anyone else, and she might well not have bothered with such restraint.

For her, the trek was a familiar one — west out toward Barton's campus, a hardware store a few blocks from there that utilized before. Any large purchases like furniture would have to wait for a bigger vehicle, but there was still plenty they could get done in the meantime. At a red light, she glanced over at him, expression fond. "How're we doing?"

[fulcrum3]

He quickly unclenched his fists. "Okay. It takes some getting used to."

[nextchance]

"That it does," Jyn replied with a nod, keeping that small, fond smile fixed on him for a moment longer before turning her attention back to the road again. Years ago, she would have said the same. Even having been in grounded vehicles before, they weren't like this. She'd just had long enough to appreciate their small size and sleekness.

"Well, if we get one of our own, you'll have good a chance to start getting used to it."

[fulcrum3]

A very good idea, if an unglad one. Cassian focused on their surroundings.

This was a part of the city, primarily residential, he hadn't visited before. He'd surveyed all of it on maps during his first days, so he had an idea of where they were and marked sites nearby; but it was a lot harder to orient himself from driving than it would have been from walking or taking the train. It occurred to him that having their own car would allow him to explore more widely.

"How much of the city have you driven through?"

[nextchance]

"Not too much, actually," Jyn answered, shrugging casually as the light changed and she began driving them forward again. "Haven't had much reason to." Darrow had plenty of reliable public transit options, and she had no problem walking most places. Still, it could be useful to have as an option, especially when there would be things like renovation supplies or even groceries to bring back to the ship. The Falcon was a little ways further from the city proper than she'd lived before.

They actually were heading in that approximate direction, she realized — not too close, but the same general vicinity. Strange, really. She hadn't been back to the house since the night she burned it down, and hadn't even thought about it beyond setting out today.

"But Lari — the friend who lent me the car — she runs a racetrack. I drive there sometimes with her when it's closed to the public."

[fulcrum3]

Something changed between her first sentence and the last. It was almost imperceptible, but he (of anyone) could tell. She'd had a thought or realization separate from what she said.

He debated with himself: don't say anything because she hadn't actually brought it up, or be honest and ask.

Honesty won. "Are you okay?"

[nextchance]

While she hadn't expected the question, it wasn't at all surprising, Jyn realized, when he asked it. He always had been able to read her remarkably well, something that would have made her vastly uncomfortable had he been anyone but himself. It still sometimes made her feel a little caught out, more seen than she really knew what to do with; other times, it was remarkably comforting, knowing that he would likely pick up on something even if she didn't come right out and say it.

Now, it was neither. It just was, a simple fact, maybe because the same was true of her realization. She'd surprised herself with it, and with the fact that it hadn't occurred to her sooner, but she was far more all right with it than she would have expected.

Her responding nod was easy and genuine. "I'm okay," she said, glancing briefly over at him so he'd know she meant it. "I haven't been out this way in a while. Realized we're not too far from where I used to live."

[fulcrum3]

The chill of walking over his own grave couldn't help but ripple through him. 'I' or 'we'? 'Us' or 'you and…'?

She was okay. She made it clear for him in multiple ways. As she did, Cassian was becoming more okay with it—insofar as their relationship was concerned. It was still a mindf*ck existentially.

He wasn't sure why he said, "Do you want to go that way?"

[nextchance]

"Do you?" asked Jyn, brow raising in slight surprise as she cast another brief glance toward him. For her part, she'd burned that place down a long time ago and hadn't been back there since. While she couldn't say it didn't mean anything to her, because that first life here she'd built and had ripped away from her did and always would, it was no longer an open wound, cauterized with fire and time. By now, seeing it might well have more significance to him than to her.

"It's not somewhere I need to go, but it's not something that'll bother me, either."

[fulcrum3]

He looked at her, knowing she wouldn't lie, but also impressed. It really didn't bother her.

"I'm curious but I don't need to," he said. With a quirk of a smile, "You're the driver."

[nextchance]

If only out of habit, Jyn's initial instinct was to avoid the place. She hadn't been back there, after all, since the night she'd doused it with gasoline and burned it down. Her life had changed immeasurably since then, though — case in point, the man sitting next to her. Maybe, from that perspective, it would be a good thing. She was always hesitant to talk too much about her previous relationship here, preferring to keep things tidily separate and avoid anything seeming like an imposition, but he had encouraged her to say what was on her mind rather than feeling like she had to hold it back. This wasn't quite that, but it did feel like opening that door just a bit, which was close to the same thing.

"Well, if you're curious," she decided with a half-smile and an easy shrug, flicking the turn signal as she mentally rerouted. "We've got time. Might as well take a detour."

[fulcrum3]

Had he unintentionally cornered her? Put her in the position to have to prove her reconciliation?

She doesn’t need protecting. Even from me.

With care not to interfere with her driving, he put a warm hand on her shoulder.

[nextchance]

Jyn let that smile inch a little higher when he rested his hand on her shoulder — the shift in expression slight, but enough that she knew he would be able to see it. She couldn't exactly say that she was looking forward to seeing the burned-out rubble that she'd once called her home, but neither was she entirely dreading it. She really was all right with it. That more than anything she wanted him to know before they arrived at their new destination.

"It won't be much to look at," she said, not as a deterrent but just a heads up. "When it comes to arson, I don't do things halfway."

[fulcrum3]

He wondered how she'd avoided burning more than she intended. Maybe it would be obvious when they got there.

"And no one's tried to rebuild?"

[nextchance]

"Well, the property's mine, so technically, they can't," Jyn explained, a trace of wry amusement in her voice. "A couple times, I've had a developer offer to buy it, I assume so they can flip it and turn a quick profit, but I just ignore them."

It was strange and maybe a little morbid, something that made her retroactively self-conscious now in a way she wasn't wholly comfortable with. She wasn't trying to keep it as some sick monument to a past life or anything like that, ashes and rubble as an elaborate graveyard. There were just two opposing parts of her: the one that couldn't stand the thought of someone building over what was once there as if it never existed, and the one that couldn't stand the thought of it persisting just as it was when she had lived there. The fire, the wreckage, was the best middle ground.

A thought occurring to her, one corner of her mouth hitched a little higher. "Would you believe I didn't even attempt any insurance fraud? It was tempting."

[fulcrum3]

His mouth mirrored hers. He hadn't forgotten she'd once been a thief (as if he hadn't been) but the reminder made him look at her with a peak of love for her rebelliousness. Maybe that wasn't in the spirit of a peaceful society… oh well.

If he'd heard her line of thought, he would have understood… to the extent he could.

"We had a treehouse on Yavin 4," he said aloud. "That's probably the closest I'd felt to a 'home' since Ferrix. Even that, though, part of me was always prepared to abandon at a moment's notice." Could one ever feel at home like that?

[nextchance]

"Yeah," Jyn agreed, unsurprised to hear him echo the way she'd always lived. "Even after I got the house, it took a while before I started... not living like that, there. S'part of why I started staying on the ship, too." After she began residing there full-time, it still felt like a temporary lodging, somewhere she could easily leave if she ever needed to. Strange, though not in a bad way, to be actively making changes that went contrary to that now, settling in and making it theirs.

They were almost there now, homes thinning out, all green between them — not the tall grass and farmland that surrounded the Falcon, but fields dotted with occasional small houses. She'd always liked the quiet of it, the sense of privacy.

"And yet somehow you've got me making renovations." She smiled. "Sort of impressive."

[fulcrum3]

…you've got me…

He knew she meant it teasingly, but—

Cassian said I had to.

No, I didn't, Kay. Why did you say that?
…Because in outlining their other worse options, it had boiled down to we have to. He'd just lived with the contradiction between having reprogrammed Kaytoo and wanting him to have free choice. Do what I want because you choose to. Can't trust a yes unless no is equally possible.

Jyn wasn't Kay. He didn't need to feel that pang. Tell that to the autonomic nervous system, though. We're all machines of one kind or another.

There was no way her light words warranted this reaction. He didn't try to hide it, exactly, but he tried to push past it. "Maybe it helps that it's a ship. Even if it doesn't fly. It has that quality, of in-between."