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May. 5th, 2025 01:18 pmJyn left the Falcon in a daze, her head spinning and chest so tight it felt like she could barely breathe. She'd seen a lot of strange, impossible things in the time she'd been in Darrow. Monsters coming from out of nowhere, items of significance appearing with no explanation, people from the past and the future and entirely different universes. A lot of fucking weird bees. But this— this was unprecedented. She had seen it happen before, yes, befriended Rey a second time when she turned up without any memory of having been here before, but it was different when it wasn't the same at all when it was someone this close, someone with whom she had so much history. Someone whom she'd once loved enough to marry.
Someone she loved still, and that was always the problem in her life. Caring was a liability, a weakness, and only ever got her hurt, but try as she might, she had never really been able to turn it off. At most, she could cloak it in anger, and had done so, but the logic propping that anger up was flimsy and all but impossible to maintain when Cassian looked at her like he had a matter of minutes ago.
Stupid, really. She had been without him now for longer than she'd ever known him. There was no good reason for her heart, so carefully and desperately re-armored in his absence, to have gone so soft again. Even now, as she left the ship, a part of her wanted to stay put after all, to watch him and see that he was still there, still real. While she'd promised to be there when he woke, though, she couldn't stay put. She needed to do something to try to get rid of all the restless energy that felt like it was bursting out from under her skin; she needed not to be alone with her own thoughts. So, taking a gamble that she had time go to and come back, and leaving a note just in case she was wrong, she set out.
The temptation just to go and stay gone, as far away as she could, was at least one that she could ignore without any real trouble. She knew from experience that it wouldn't help or change anything.
Instead, she found herself at Spike's door, not even having realized that was her destination until she was part of the way there. It made sense, though. He was her oldest friend, someone she knew had lost people just like she had. If there was anyone who might understand, it was him. She knocked at the door, impatient in her restlessness, weight shifting as she waited.
Someone she loved still, and that was always the problem in her life. Caring was a liability, a weakness, and only ever got her hurt, but try as she might, she had never really been able to turn it off. At most, she could cloak it in anger, and had done so, but the logic propping that anger up was flimsy and all but impossible to maintain when Cassian looked at her like he had a matter of minutes ago.
Stupid, really. She had been without him now for longer than she'd ever known him. There was no good reason for her heart, so carefully and desperately re-armored in his absence, to have gone so soft again. Even now, as she left the ship, a part of her wanted to stay put after all, to watch him and see that he was still there, still real. While she'd promised to be there when he woke, though, she couldn't stay put. She needed to do something to try to get rid of all the restless energy that felt like it was bursting out from under her skin; she needed not to be alone with her own thoughts. So, taking a gamble that she had time go to and come back, and leaving a note just in case she was wrong, she set out.
The temptation just to go and stay gone, as far away as she could, was at least one that she could ignore without any real trouble. She knew from experience that it wouldn't help or change anything.
Instead, she found herself at Spike's door, not even having realized that was her destination until she was part of the way there. It made sense, though. He was her oldest friend, someone she knew had lost people just like she had. If there was anyone who might understand, it was him. She knocked at the door, impatient in her restlessness, weight shifting as she waited.
