(no subject)

She manages to keep it together until she's alone, at least. Under the circumstances, Jyn is willing to take whatever approximation of a win she can get. To let her guard down and show vulnerability around anyone would have been out of the question, but to do so in front of someone who knows her, who looked at her that awful way Poe had looked at her, would have been even worse. There's a part of her, of course, that had wanted nothing more than to smash every expectation he had of her, unwilling to remain on some pedestal the Alliance posthumously put her on, knowing that she would only disappoint, but there's only so far she can go to that end. Some days, it's quieter than others, but she can never really rid herself of Saw's voice in the back of her head, reminding her of all those years of training, of being taught not to show weakness.

And this certainly would have been that. On her own, she can't breathe, her chest constricting painfully, unable to get it out of her head. He'd respected her, he said. He'd heard stories. He'd looked at her with nothing short of awe, when the very Rebellion that let him hear about her couldn't have been more willing to chew her up and spit her out. She got them what they wanted and it still wasn't enough, still didn't let them see her as anything more than a criminal and an Imperial's daughter. Any good she did was in spite of them, not because of them, and yet, and yet—

Jyn needs to move, needs to do something to shake this tension coiling under her skin. She doesn't think about it, she just does it, and somehow isn't surprised when she shows up in front of Cassian's building rather than her own, carried there by instinct. More often than not, that's where she spends her time anyway, and whether he's in or not, she doesn't think she could stomach the distant but unmistakable sound of the ocean from her own apartment right now. As it is, she can already barely hold herself together. She might hate the idea of letting Cassian see her like this, too, but he's seen her in the wake of plenty of nightmares by now. This, at least, won't begin to compare.

Not bothering to knock, which she usually doesn't anyway, she pulls a pin out of her hair to pick the lock, leaning back against the door and exhaling heavily once she's closed it behind her. She feels winded like she's been running, and maybe she has — not literally, but from whatever idea of her Poe and who knows how many others managed to get of her, whatever recognition was laid on her after she died, which she didn't do for them. Hands curling into tight fists at her side, she realizes then that she should maybe announce her presence, just in case, and calls out, "Cassian?"

(no subject)

She'd known they were going to have to talk about this eventually. That hasn't, of course, stopped Jyn from hoping that they won't, putting it off as long as possible, dodging the subject whenever she can. It's easier, at least, when it's all three of them, sprawled out on Cassian's couch in the middle of the night, staving off their respective nightmares. There's enough to distract them then, and it probably helps that Cassian doesn't seem to be any more forthcoming about whatever they're doing — which, really, isn't anything — than she does. Today, though, it's just the two of them, and they're at Bodhi's apartment, which always looks just like Jyn would expect it to. He's right about the life the flowers he buys bring to a place; it's a stark contrast to her own apartment, and she never intends to let either Bodhi or Cassian know about that. Being here, she's filled with the same stupid fondness that she always is where Bodhi is concerned, even now, even knowing what they're going to have to discuss. She can practically feel it hanging overhead, heavy in the air. Or maybe that's just her imagination.

Either way, she isn't going to be the one to dive into it, and she isn't going to let on any tension she might feel about it. She's brought food and beer, both set on the table, and she positions herself on Bodhi's couch as easily as if she belongs there. His presence, somehow, makes that easier. Having him here seems to make everything easier, save for the knowledge that she'll be alone again one day. That, and, of course, the added complication it's provided where she and Cassian and their unspoken arrangement are concerned.

Maybe she can write it off, make an excuse. There are plenty of perfectly logical reasons why she would have been wearing Cassian's clothes in the middle of the night. Bodhi would probably see right through her, though, and while Jyn wouldn't necessarily have a problem with lying, she doesn't think she could bear to see the way he would look at her knowing that she did.

"I should've brought ice cream, or something," she says, pulling a face. They've both got something of a sweet tooth, and there's no need to avoid acknowledging that around Bodhi. "Maybe we should see if there's anywhere that will deliver us something sweet."