crash sites keep me up at night

[nextchance]

In the dream — and it was a dream, although she didn't know that —

Jyn was a little girl in the cave on Lah'mu, not knowing when it was or how long she had been there, only that she was waiting, always waiting, always left alone. The lantern was burned out, the small space dark and damp, somehow seeming to get smaller still, a grave and a prison cell and the only home she had. When, at last, the door swung open overhead, it was an unfamiliar figure overhead (a new variation on an old theme), a young boy with dark hair and eyes, and Jyn didn't really know him except that she felt like she did anyway. Wordless, he held out a hand, and she began to climb.

She climbed, and climbed, and climbed, until her bad shoulder ached and her hands slipped on the ladder's rungs, but she had to keep going, even as she got nowhere, the cave getting deeper now, except it wasn't a cave at all. It was the data tower, getting taller, not deeper, and no longer a little girl, she kept climbing, desperate to reach the top where no one was waiting for her anymore, because when she looked down — so far down, it hadn't really been that far, had it? — Cassian's body lay bent and broken at the bottom, and she knew he wasn't getting back up. Stupid, to think she could reach him, that she might be able to hold onto him this time.

Finally she stepped up and out of the cave that was also the data tower and onto the beach, alone again, except for all of the dead. It had been a while since she'd dreamed of Scarif, and somehow there were more bodies now, her father's weapon overhead, her inescapable legacy. Past the shoreline was forest, and she knew it to be Yavin 4's even though she had barely seen it while she was there, and knew that it held the house she'd once lived in. The house burned — the fire she'd set — and the forest burned with it. The world glowed green with the Death Star's kyber-light, only it wasn't coming from the sky above but from her. Surrounded by bodies, she sat on the sand and waited for a death that didn't come, one which would have been, she supposed, too kind. Hard as she'd always fought to survive, a death that meant something in the arms of someone who cared about her was worlds better than surviving alone, left to bear the weight of so much destruction.

She looked up at the weapon that shared her name, a grim mirror in the sky, and with the fire and the dead around her, she knew that they were one and the same, and this was always going to be where she wound up.

— With a sharp gasp, Jyn lurched awake in the dark, her limbs clammy with sweat and her face damp with tears. Nightmares were nothing new to her, but it had been a long time since one had rattled her this badly. In her addled state, trying and mostly failing to get air into her lungs, she couldn't think of what might have caused it... Until the sound of breath that wasn't her own reminded her that she wasn't alone in the room. Through the haze of everything else, the events of the last day began coming back to her.

It should have been reassuring to remember that Cassian was here and alive and safe. At any other time, it would have been. Instead, in the moment, her panic intensified, her chest painfully tight. It was a good thing, not being alone anymore, except that she still felt like she was and knew she would be again. Close as he was, he felt impossibly far away, and yet he was too close, too. The last thing she wanted was to be seen like this, a panic-stricken, crying mess, unable to calm herself down after just a stupid dream. All she could do — one of the only coherent thoughts she could hold onto — was try to stay as quiet as possible, pressing a fistful of blanket against her mouth to try to stifle any gasps or sobs, and hope she hadn't made enough noise to wake him. He needed the rest. She needed to pull herself together, shoulders shaking in the dark as she tried to breathe.

Comments

[fulcrum3]

He mirrored her, making a quick but thorough sweep. It wasn’t wholly unlike Luthen’s safehouse—which didn’t bear thinking about.

Coming back into the same room, he said lightly, "We'll keep it in case Beany decides he needs his own place."

(Veiled meaning: in case Jyn did. Barring that, Cassian intended not to come back.)

[nextchance]

"After all I've done for him, he better not," Jyn quipped, shooting Cassian a wry smile. Knowing that he couldn't have actually meant it for the cat's sake, she did wonder if the out was more for himself or for her, but for the time being, she decided it didn't matter. It was the sensible option, anyway. She had been telling herself for the last day that distance was a good thing.

No matter how hard she tried, though, she couldn't quite convince herself that she wanted any.

"You know, if you'd rather be here than out in an old YT freighter, I won't hold it against you," she added. She didn't actually think he would, mostly because, even having examined the place, he didn't seem likely enough to trust it enough to stay there, but it seemed worth offering regardless. "View's probably a lot better."

[fulcrum3]

“I like the freighter,” said Cassian. “Reminds me how I never slept better than in hyperspace.” The only place one’s really safe. “And. Until you tell me otherwise: I go where you go.”

[nextchance]

"Well, all right, then," Jyn replied, her smile now small but deeply felt, the sort that suggested his words meant more than her own response conveyed. What she'd said earlier held true: that she didn't want to be without him. She didn't think that would ever change.

"I like it, too. It feels... less stifling than somewhere like this." The ship wasn't going to go anywhere, she knew that, but being on it at least felt like there was a possibility of it -- that she could be anywhere, go anywhere. Of course, with Cassian here, she didn't want to be anywhere else. His statement was one she could just as easily have made herself. Where he went, so would she, for as long as he would let her or until she could convince herself otherwise.

[fulcrum3]

He recognized that smile. He was so glad to see it. It drew an answering one from him, from all the way inside his chest.

It made him think of something to buy, if he could find one on the rest of their trip.

"Let's finish up, then," he said. It was too early to say aloud, but he thought it: and go home.

[nextchance]

"Let's," Jyn agreed, trying and failing to staunch some of the warmth she felt when he looked at her like that. This, she already felt certain, was going to become a recurring problem in her life. She'd forgotten the effect that just a look or a smile from him could have on her. Or maybe it wasn't even that, maybe it was something entirely new, the time apart and his willingness to see what could happen here, a chance she never thought she would have again and still didn't entirely know what to do with.

"Anything else you want to see here? Or bring back with us?"

[fulcrum3]

He went through the mental list. He had the clothes and a rucksack to put them in. He also had a messenger bag with the welcome packet, surplus credits, and old boots. Getting toiletries had been a comic experience, needing Jyn to read all the English writing to him. Soldier-etc Cassian was also used to bare minimums, so it could have been much worse. Still, he needed to learn that alphabet, and fast. (He also had a primer book in the bag.)

The comm "cellphone" that had come with the welcome packet, he had in his bag as well. He'd "exchanged numbers" with Jyn but, unless/until they got separated, he was leaving it turned off. Only because she kept hers on her person, was he not destroying his or leaving it somewhere like this empty apartment. He didn't know who might track him with it, but the fact that it was possible was enough for distrust of the device.

The idea he'd just had, he thought he'd make his own trip to try to find, to surprise her.

Likewise… maybe, on another trip, sheets and blankets big enough for two. It felt too early to suggest.

"If there's any place you think I should see?" he said. "Otherwise, I think just food, then home."

—And realized he'd just said the word after all.

[nextchance]

Home. Anything Jyn might have said was briefly stalled by his use of that word, such a loaded one for her. She hadn't ever even used it in reference to the ship. It was hers, and where she lived, but home? Home was him, and had been since Yavin 4. She lost that when she lost him, and came to believe that it was a mistake to have ever let herself have it in the first place.

She still wasn't sure she was wrong on that front, but it was a fact that was currently secondary to the way it felt to hear him say that now. Maybe, maybe--

"Sounds good to me," she agreed, that same small, tremulously hopeful smile in place. "D'you want to pick up something on the way back? I don't want to ask you to cook again."

[fulcrum3]

He saw the effect of the word, as if he’d dropped a stone into water… and it wasn’t bad.

He switched tracks with her seamlessly—he would always follow her—“I really don’t mind. But, sure, give me a taste of local cuisine.”

—but then he touched and squeezed her arm with a look more meaningful than anything to do with food. Yeah. I want to be your home.

[nextchance]

He looked at her, and she looked back, everything she couldn't manage to put into words there in her eyes. How much she wanted that, how much she was afraid to want it, how much that one simple concept meant to her... This was neither the time nor the place, but she rested her hand over his, hoping that would be enough for now. It wasn't as if she could tell him anything she hadn't yet worked out for herself, anyway.

"You've got it," she said. Local cuisine was an incredibly broad statement here, but she figured they could just see what they passed on the way back. "Shall we?"

[fulcrum3]

It could be dangerous, to assume you could read someone. Of course, Cassian was literally an expert in nonverbal expression, and deliberate communication as often, deliberately or not, lied. And who in the Galaxy—galaxies?—got to prove themselves to each other as thoroughly as Jyn and Cassian?

Still true that he didn't know her outside of combat. And didn't know the new her, after all the years she'd spent here—and all the private communications she'd built up with… him… that he had now fallen behind.

Given all that; he thought he understood. He spread out his fingers so that hers sank between them and they intertwined. Then he lowered their joined hands so they stayed holding together at their sides.

"Yes," he said, eyes shining back to her. With a crinkle at their edges, he added, "Don't forget anything here. I don't plan to come back anytime soon."

[nextchance]

"What is there to forget?" Jyn asked with a shrug, her fingers lacing through his. There was, of course, a part of her tempted to wholly raid this place for supplies, but that was an instinct that she could at least curb. The apartment was sparsely filled, not yet lived in; she doubted there was anything it would have that the Falcon needed. It was part of what made living there so convenient for her. She hadn't needed to do much of anything to settle in, just start spending her time and her nights there.

Without pulling her hand away, she started toward the door. If he didn't want to stay any longer, then neither did she.

"Come on, let's go."

[fulcrum3]

They finished their shopping and got back to the Falcon at golden hour. They'd forgotten to eat lunch (and doubtless each had a mental voice of someone scolding them for it), but of course both had gone much longer without food.

The takeaway meal made up for it. Cassian couldn't even finish his share. Despite, again, the precepts of Finish everything when you don't know where your next meal will come from and Take what you want but eat what you take. Now, he did have an idea where his next meal was coming from: their own shared conservator in their own shared living space. Their home.

After dinner, he set about putting his own mark on it by going into the closet area and rearranging until he'd made a space for himself. He stowed his new belongings at perfect regulation angles. Finally being in there himself, he saw Jyn had not been kidding: there was an entire wall of capes. Cassian had absolutely no temptation to try any of them on. But maybe sometime Jyn needed cheering up.

Reemerging, Cassian nearly tripped over Sprinkles, who barked around his ankles. He knelt to massage her ears and get drooled on, and called to Jyn, "Hey. Will you show me how to play with her?"

[nextchance]

Still, all of this was so surreal. Time passed almost in a haze, with Jyn intermittently trying to retain every detail and getting lost in her own thoughts. She ate, always hungry, and put away the few things she'd picked up for around the ship, but all the while she was thinking about him and what this meant and what might happen next. She didn't know any of it; all she did know was it wasn't something she would be able to figure out anytime soon.

That wasn't nothing, though. She hadn't pretended otherwise, either, or at least she hoped she hadn't. Anyway, he was here, and that was the most important thing. Everything else could follow that, if they had time. More and more, she hoped they had time.

As she had promised earlier, she was washing the dishes from earlier when she heard him call to her. Drying her hands, she came around to the bedroom, smiling at the sight that greeted her. Like so much else, it was the kind of good that made her chest ache and prompted an expression that was earnest rather than wry.

"Of course," she offered, taking a seat, cross-legged, on the floor. "Although, really, she'll probably be happy with any attention."

[fulcrum3]

By then, Cassian had discovered the metaphorical switch behind Sprinkles's ear that had her flopped over for belly rubs, legs and tongue lolling. "So it seems," he said, eyes flashing to Jyn. He was also now seated across from her. It came to him that he could never have imagined this with her just a few days ago.

…Maybe it could have. Once over Scarif, in the shuttle, when she grabbed his arm, and they looked at each other, startled, because all of a sudden, invading each other's space felt completely different than it had every time before. They hadn't been able to afford the feeling, then…

And then, of course, on the beach. What hadn't he imagined with her…

In the present, he forgot to ask questions: all of this was going through his eyes.

[nextchance]

There was such weight to that gaze. Jyn would never in a million years have described herself as shy, but it was difficult not to feel something along those lines when he looked at her like that, her chin ducking slightly with it. Then again, since the first moment she saw him outside the ship, it had felt like the air was charged with electricity, just as dangerous and liable to shock her as to revive some part of her that had been dormant since she lost him, that she'd had every intention of keeping that way. This was just another element of the same sort of thing.

She wanted in equal measure to chase that feeling and to run from it. To climb into his lap and kiss him, and to keep her distance to protect herself. To tell him everything she hadn't yet, and to never again mention the history that was no longer his.

There was, she was already certain, absolutely no way she was getting through this emotionally unscathed.

"See? You don't really need me to show you."

[fulcrum3]

Cassian blinked, looked down, and realized that Sprinkles had painlessly taken his hand in her little jaws and was growling and tossing her head in her joy. He returned the grip just enough to play, carefully of the tiny skull, before disengaging and resuming the scratches.

"This seems too easy," he said. "Is it because dogs like everything? Or because… she thinks… I'm…?"

Either he should never bring up the subject of his other self, or they would have to stop dodging around it. He wasn't sure which of them needed to take the lead on that. His impulse was to let Jyn, but the last time he felt that, it turned out she needed him to.

[nextchance]

"I don't know," Jyn answered, feeling she owed him honesty on that front. On all fronts, really — she was a convincing enough liar except when it came to him — but especially as pertained to his former life here. She couldn't help wishing that weren't the case, or even that she hadn't said anything about it at all, but it wouldn't have been fair not to. He had the right to know, and she would never be able to just pretend it all away. "She definitely doesn't like everything, or everyone. But... I don't think it would just be because of that, either. Not after so long."

Or maybe she was really just talking about herself. What she felt for him wasn't, couldn't have been, just because of what she'd had before with someone who was him but also not. She'd been without him longer than she had ever known him. (So had Sprinkles.) There was no way it was just the result of memory.

[fulcrum3]

Cassian looked down at Sprinkles, who was again wrestling his hand as if it were a bone. Something about that image made him set his jaw and look up at Jyn.

"I'm starting to see when it hurts you not to say things. Is there anything you just… want to? That will only get harder as time goes on? We could just go ahead. Get it out of the way." The faintest smile. "There are no rules."

[nextchance]

Of course, Jyn thought. Of course he could see when there was something more on her mind; he'd always been able to read her uncomfortably well. She wished it were as simple as what he was saying. The things it hurt to hold back, it might hurt even more to give voice to. She didn't know what she wanted (him, just him, always him) in nearly every aspect of this, her heart and mind in total opposition. And, whatever he was saying, however patient he was with her and graciously willing to wade into chaos left in another lifetime's wake, she didn't think it would be fair just to lay it all on him, potentially unburdening herself by burdening him.

He was asking, though. Her memory of last night was hazy, but he'd asked something similar then too. The least she could do was try to say a little of what she was thinking.

"I don't know," she said again, apologetic as she looked up at him. "I can't tell if talking about it would help, or be harder. For either of us. If I should tell you about things that happened here, or if that wouldn't be fair." She bit her lip for a moment, hoping that he would at least see that she was trying. "What do you think?"

[fulcrum3]

Looking into her face, her stardust eyes, he nodded slowly. She made sense. Of course she did. He trusted her judgment, sometimes more than his own. Cassian pet Sprinkles more calmingly in order to think. He wanted to answer as openly as he was asking of her.

"I think you're worried about what's fair on me," he said. "I worry what's getting lost is what's fair for you.

"What if we both thought of… him, as being someone else? If you needed to talk about them, I'd hate if you couldn't do that with me.

"If I'm wrong, and you really don't want to, then I'll stop second-guessing. I just really want you to be able to."

He kept talking so much. The phrase early negotiations sprang to mind. He wasn't sure that was a bad thing. He just hoped Jyn didn't get sick of it.

[nextchance]

Jyn might have laughed, if the subject were a different one or if she were talking with anyone else. At least from her perspective, what was fair for her stopped being part of the picture a long time ago, and that was hardly unexpected when nothing in her life had ever fit that description anyway. It wasn't fair that she'd built a life with someone and had it ripped away from her. It wasn't fair that he didn't remember any of it, though through no fault of his own. If that unfairness was already a given, and it was, then it seemed like the least she could do was try to make things a little fairer for him.

But, more and more, it seemed like her reticence wasn't fair in its own right. None of that was because of him, specifically. Even now, with his acquaintance with her having lasted about a week, she felt as if he knew her better than just about anyone; there was no one she would have been so willingly vulnerable with. Everything about this was just so unclear, a situation that ought to have been impossible and that she didn't know what to do with.

Keeping it in was apparently not the answer. And maybe she should have expected as much. Years ago, with him but not him, she had asked him more than once not to shut her out. To tell her things. However good her reasoning and understandable her uncertainty, it probably wasn't all that helpful for her to hold so much back.

"It's not that I don't want to," she offered. "And... as strange as it is, that's the one thing that does make sense to me. That you're... you... but also not the person who was here before. I can't really explain it. It just does. And that was all so long ago now, I think if you had been him, and shown up remembering all of it, this would be just as strange in a different way." She had no idea if any of what she was saying was at all comprehensible. Hopefully, though, the fact that she was making an effort would count for something. "I've been without you for longer than I ever knew you. Or him. Either way."

[fulcrum3]

It was comprehensible. It did count. The look on his face hopefully showed both.

"I'll stop pushing," he said quietly. He slid his hand from the dog over to Jyn's. "The invitation's open."

[nextchance]

Jyn took his hand and squeezed it gently, appreciative, the same apologetic look on her face. This wasn't what she wanted, she thought — but then, the one constant, or at least the one constant that wasn't Cassian, about all of this was that she didn't know what she wanted. That still held true now. She had a feeling it wouldn't be changing anytime soon. All of this was too complicated, too impossible.

"Thank you," she said, just as quietly. "And I don't... want you to have to, but... I think sometimes it helps. You reminding me that it's all right to say things."

[fulcrum3]

He squeezed her hand back, then gave a crooked smile. “Well, you know I can handle sensitive information.”